Back reflection...

Well, it's been a very long, long year and a half since my last post. Not because I haven't had anything to say, just didn't feel led to put it up on here. I did, however, write something a long time ago and although I have shared it with several people, I didn't feel compelled to share it with the world until now. So here it is, from the Summer of 2009...

I don’t really have a dramatic testimony. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been a Christian and loved the Lord. It’s not that I haven’t had times of rebellion, but He’s always been my Dad. But why would any of my stories matter?

A few weeks back I was in a Collision planning meeting and we were all talking about hands. Someone said that we are all in His hands. Everyone started playing off that by saying things like “being surrounded by His love”, “curled up, cradled in His palm”, “resting in His hands”, etc. I just couldn’t speak up. Although I had felt these things in the past, at that moment I was feeling something different. I was embarrassed to say what I felt, because it wasn’t completely warm and fuzzy. I knew I was still in His hands, but I felt as though I was sitting on the edge of His palm with my feet dangling over.

You see, this last year and especially several months ago there were a lot of changes going on around me. Unexpected changes. I just didn’t understand why God was doing what He was doing. Or why He was letting them happen. I was angry, although I loved and trusted Him. But I kept having these recurring thoughts:

I was sitting on my bed – it was like I was a teenager again, car keys in hand. I was mad and just couldn’t decided whether or not to walk down the long hall, through the living room and out the front door. I felt like running and getting in my car and driving away really fast. The only problem was that my Father was sitting in the living room on the sofa “pretending” to read the newspaper. He sat peacefully and patiently, like He was waiting.

I kept getting up off the bed and making it about halfway down the hall and stood still. Listening. I just knew that if I went on down the hall and into the living room that He would either try to stop me, have some eloquent words of wisdom, or simply just let me go. As mad and angry as I was, I wasn’t ready to see how He would react or hear what He had to say, so I sat. I sat for a good two weeks, before I finally was able to walk down the long hall and into the living room. I sat down beside Him, throwing my keys on the table and rested my head on His chest.

He let me be who I was. He let me be mad, all the while knowing what I would do in the end. His patience was never ending and I knew this because of my favorite verse that kept playing in my head.

Psalm 132: 16 – “You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”

Just always remembering this verse, I find comfort in knowing He knows me. He knows when I will stray; He knows when I am close. He knows when I will have joy, and when I will have sorrow. I am His child regardless of how much I mess up, how far I run away and how many bad choices I make. I am forgiven. He is my Dad. There are times I feel like the adult child, and times I feel like I’m five, holding my Daddy’s hand. He is always there; waiting and loving me.

Quiet moments, a crazy concept...

Well, I've been rather relaxed about posting my prayer journal this week.  It's been a crazy week and it's only Tuesday.  Which, I know is no excuse, but it's the truth.  I have to say that this "30 minute quiet time with God" is getting easier in some ways.  I never really knew that I could actually take 30 minutes out of my "busy" day, but I can.  Amazing, I know!

What to start with... First off, my business is booming.  I've had two meeting with new clients this week and they both are excited to work with us.  I had been very nervous about the economy and how slow I had been since the election.  I had always put everything about my business in His hands, but I was getting a little nervous, if truth be told.  I really believed that He would help us pay the bills and put food on the table, but I was beginning to get a little anxious.  Then the prayer time started.  

Now, I can't tell you that I have a set time every day for this prayer time.  It usually comes late at night before bed or on my long commute time out to the beach for work.  And most of the time I just "feel" the urge.  I've found it really nice to not have anything on in the car, no phone, no radio.  Actually I've had my phone on, but strangely when I've been in this mode, it hasn't rung one bit.  One day driving to work, I was in "prayer mode" and I had this overwhelming urge to call a friend.  I don't know why, but something just kept pulling on my heart.  During my prayer time I was praying for this friend and suddenly all I heard was to "call them now".  Now I don't have some dramatic story of how it all unfolded.  (This has happened to me on more than one account and those were dramatic.  One day, if I "feel" the urge to write about it on this blog, I will.)  But today, the phone call was like any other.  I just let the word spill out, what God wanted me to say.  I don't know if they wanted to hear it, but I just felt the need.  I just needed to let them know that God was in charge and not to worry.  And to let them know they had a trustworthy friend they could vent to.  That was it.  I said it wasn't dramatic, but who knows what God did with the words that came out of my mouth.  I firmly believe there is a bigger picture and we aren't always meant to know what is to come of it.  

On Sunday, Jason talked about God as our Daddy.  I really loved this concept and started my week off, with talking to him as such.  I felt like I was sitting on the bed next to him, saying "Daddy, I know I've messed up and if you want to ground me I'll understand, but I want to please you.  What can I do to make it up to you."  It was really cool.  I feel closer to my Dad and finally feel like I can come to Him with anything, even the mundane, crazy thoughts that he knows already.  I can just see Him shaking His head and smiling at me and this brings me so much peace.

I never liked tests. I don't know anyone who does...

So began the test.  

Do you ever have those days?  You know, the ones where you feel like everyone around you is crazy and you are the only sane person on the planet?  Well, that was Tuesday starting at noon and lasting through the night.  It felt like I was living Horton Hears a Who and we were the "Who's".  The elephant in the room followed me all day.  Seriously.  Without going in to much detail, all I can say is...yada, yada, yada...I really needed to start the 30 minute egg timer meetings with God.  So last night, when my youngest woke at 2:50 am wanting a drink.  I couldn't go back to sleep.  I lay in bed and decided to give the 30 minute thing a try.  4:15 am.  Yes, you read it right - 4:15am.  Still in bed, still talking - well, at that point, actually still listening and waiting for the answer that never came.  But I was okay and at peace and finally went to sleep.  

Now usually, after some thought, calm down time and reflection, I confront what ever is going on.  I firmly believe people should work out their differences and you can't go forward if something is holding you back in your heart.  I don't enjoy confrontation, no one does, but I will do it.  Always in a nice way, diplomatic, and usually because God has laid something on my heart to say.  But today was different.  Nothing.  All He told me to do, was wait.  Something I don't do well, but He asked, so I will.  I don't know why I'm waiting.  That's for him to know.  It's a different concept to me, but exciting to wait, if that makes any sense.  I'm looking forward to my next 30 minute session and thankful of the peace I finally found today.  A little piece of peace, but I'll take it!

This is a Test...

Well, on Sunday in Collision (for those who don't know, that's our contemporary worship service I'm a part of) we started a session on praying.  Prayers.  Something I have done, almost, everyday of my life, but admittedly, something that can be routine (on some days).  Jason challenged us to find 30 minutes a day to pray in private with God.  30 minutes a day, in peace and quiet.  Alone...  IS HE INSANE????  Try finding 2 minutes to use the bathroom by yourself when you have kids.  (If you are a mom, you know what I'm talking about.)  That's crazy talk!  But I decided to try to do it, as well as journal it here.

The first day, I just couldn't do it.  Sure I found quiet moments here and there, but not a 30 minute block.  On Monday, I thought about doing it and again found moments here and there to talk to God, but not that full on, 30 minute, intense time together.  Then came Monday night.  Harrison broke his arm doing an extreme sports move off the swing set at Cub Scouts.  Now, I have to tell you, I was witness to the whole thing.  Being and mom and watching this "slow motion, but split second at the same time" thing, was not fun!  I really don't want to experience that again.  But with that said, I was amazed at the calmness I felt, like I was not alone.  I immediately started praising God for all the things that could have happened but didn't.  And praying for it to be okay.  We got home that night and it actually looked fine.  It wasn't until the following morning that we found out it was broken.  But during the night, I felt compelled to check on him constantly.  We had prayed together before bed with Henry saying a "special" prayer thanking God "for his brother he loved soooo much, and for healing his cracked arm".  The way he just talked to God, as if he was there sitting on the bed next to him, was amazing.  I have always told the kids that they can always talk to Him, and He is always with them.  So I was encouraged that something actually sunk in.  Henry actually found peace that night and I did too, through his faith. 

The next day, amidst all the craziness of the doctor visits, I did still have peace and calmness around me.  It wasn't until after Harrison went back to school that my day started to fall apart.  Again, I had not found quiet time alone with God (but for the few quiet moments in the car), although I know it would have helped for what was coming.  So begins the test...

Obsessions and Procrastination

Well, the release date for New Moon was set on Monday and it will be November 20, 2009.  I can only say, thank goodness, because I don't know if I could have waited over a year to see the next book brought to the big screen.  Call me obsessed or call it a distraction.  I've always been a procrastinator at heart and these books, movie and obsession are feeding into that.  Like right now, I know I should be packing for Christmas break, wrapping presents, doing laundry for the trip and so forth.  But I find myself compelled to write on my blog.  Crazy isn't it?

Is there such thing as ADD for adults, because I'm there.  I have so much to do that I can't do anything?  Do you ever feel that way too?  It's crazy!  Nothing like leaving it all to the night before a trip and having NOTHING done!  And why is it always like this at the holidays?  Why can't the craziness be spaced throughout the year and not crammed into two weeks in December.  I'm not the only one like this, although there is really no comfort in that.  You see it on television every night and I think there are even support groups for holiday stress.

Well, I'm off to try to accomplish one thing...taking clothes out of the dryer.  If I can actually do this, it may encourage me to do something else, like wrap a package or two.

Twilight

I just can't stop.  I've seen Twilight three times now, and have plans to see it again later this week.  (Yes, I probably do need intervention, but...) I've read through all four books at least two times (all the way through) and several other times skipping parts.  I haven't been this obsessed since my high school days and Duran Duran.  I only find comfort that I'm not alone in this obsession.  A large majority of my closest friends are obsessed in varying degrees, with several, just as obsessed as I am (if not more).  In the numerous conversations that take place on facebook, church circle group, bible study (yes, I know it's probably not good, but it did tie into what we were talking about), bus stop waiting for kids, grocery store, mammogram waiting rooms (yes, seriously this happened), etc., I've decided that this must be much bigger than my normal, run of the mill obsession.  Way too many "moms" are really getting into this, including buying the companion movie guides, keychains, t-shirts, and downloading pictures of Edward.  What is this saying?  Are we really that disenchanted with our own spouses?  Does it take us back to a time of innocence and butterflies?  I'm really trying to figure this out.  There's something to this madness.  I must find the answer before I go even more crazy and give my husband an "Edward" makeover.  I can see it now on lifetime or "we", "makeover your husband like your favorite character from Twilight", the new reality TV show.  Oh brother.  I just hope I can figure this thing out before I do something drastic, like put up posters and make Twilight scrapbooks!